How my child can react to our separation

In the face of a separation, minors feel that they lose their security references, and their idea of ​​family, and they need to be reaffirmed that lost security. For this, they have to be told that they still have a father and a mother who love them, and that they will continue seeing both of them even if they do not live together. A divorce well transmitted and carried out in a coherent manner by adults, without mixing children, is not traumatic for minors, and it is even healthier to be witnessing arguments and continuous fights. However, no matter how well the idea of ​​separation is transmitted, sometimes small problems may arise, depending on the age, which should be handled, so we explain how your child can react to your separation .

Under five years

They do not need very long or detailed explanations. In these ages they tend to think of parents as an indissoluble unit and it is enough to explain to them that they still have dad and mom, where each one is going to live, to explain to them that the parent who leaves home will not have anything bad and talk of the new place where he will reside. It is important that parents eliminate any idea of ​​guilt in the child, as they feel responsible for the separation of their parents. At these ages regressive behaviors can also occur, for example, reusing the pacifier or wetting the bed, which are transient and that fade again once they check that everything they have been told is true and regain their sense of security.

Between five and eight years

In this age the child is more interested in knowing what will happen to him, how the separation will affect his usual routines, if his parents will continue to take care of him and therefore these are the issues on which we must focus more. It is useful to make a calendar with which the child can know when it will be with each parent. And it is very important that they do not take fear to express their feelings for one father in front of the other, so we must let them talk freely to us about their father or mother, without censuring them, regardless of what we think of our ex-partner, thus enhancing their relationship of trust with the adult, seeing that he can speak freely.

Between nine and twelve years

They are concerned about issues similar to the previous age group, but a new factor is added. In these ages they usually think in a dichotomous way, or white or black, good or bad, so they can blame a parent for the break, think that they are asked to take sides, they can ask for explanations of the reasons for the break ... Never we must enter into these questions, we should not give them explanations or let ourselves be carried away by the criticisms of the other parent, we should not join them. Here, what seems to be a maturity of the child, for asking questions and wanting to understand the situation, is not really so, but rather it is the way of thinking proper to age, neither more nor less. To avoid later emotional and academic problems we should not enter into these issues. In addition, in this age group maintain a strong bond with the parent of their own sex and develop their sexual identity, so it is important to ensure the continuity of relations with both parents.

Between twelve and eighteen years

The older they are the more relieved they usually feel about not seeing their parents suffer in a finished relationship, and the better they usually receive the news of separation. After the initial tears usually adapt easily and receive the change with some normality. Also, in adolescence, they usually distribute their time between visits to the non-custodial parent and their friends, and parents should be able to respond with flexibility, adapting themselves to the situation, to avoid direct confrontations with their children about these issues. In any case, as always, limits are necessary and must be present.