How to explain divorce to children

It is difficult to know how to talk to children about divorce . However, research has shown that talking about it is very helpful to them. Explaining divorce helps them make sense of what is happening in the family.

When talking with children, adults can help understand the tension between their parents, a parent who leaves home, or the unhappiness and anger of the other.

It is common for children to think that they are somehow responsible for things that go wrong. It can be comforting for them to tell them that the parents had problems and that it was not their fault.

Explaining divorce to children can give answers to some of these questions. Explanations can also help answer questions that children do not even know how to do.

Remember that divorce is confusing for children . The first time you talk to them, it only includes the most important and immediate issues. Children need to know that their basic needs will be met. They need to know that someone will still prepare breakfast in the morning, read books with them, and tuck them into bed at night.

Children also need to know that their relationship with both parents will continue, if possible.

Explain that they are not guilty

Tell the children that divorce is not their fault . Many children who are 4 or 5 years old or older believe that divorce is the result of something they did. For example, some children may think that parents are divorcing, because the child misbehaved or received poor grades in school. Children need to be told over and over again that they are not guilty of divorce.

Explain that the divorce is permanent

It makes it very clear to children that parents will not be together again . Children need to know that they can not rescue or restore marriage. At some ages, children can also make up stories about their parents coming back together. It's okay to pretend, but explain that the parents are really separated. This can help children move forward and accept the changes that may come into their lives.

Explain that parents' love for them is not going to change

Help the children understand that the love shared between a father and a child is special. It is different from the love shared between husband and wife . Husbands and wives can divorce, but parents are always parents. Children need to know that their parents' love for them will last.

Help to balance relationships

Help the children understand that it will be confusing to face both their parents. It can be hard to love both at once when parents do not love each other. Tell the children that it is okay to love both, mom and dad.

Children should not feel that they have to take a side or worry about losing the love of one of the parents. After a divorce, the children's loyalty can be divided. They may feel trapped between parents. Although a parent can not ask their child to stop loving their former partner, children may feel that they have to choose one parent over the other.

Many children take a long time to work through feelings of divided loyalty. This is a normal process for children to adjust to their parents' divorce.

You can say, "Sometimes you can feel guilty for not being with Dad while you stay with Mom." Sometimes you may feel you have to choose if you like Mom or Dad better, it's okay to feel all these mixed feelings and thoughts . Children feel that way when their parents divorce. "

Give the children time to think about the divorce and the changes it may have caused. Do not wait to have a single big discussion . Speak as many times as necessary.

Children want to talk about different topics over time. Answer the children's questions and concerns, and listen to what they say.

Tips for explaining divorce to your children

It is clear that as a father and mother you must help your child to face divorce. For this we give you some very direct suggestions for when you have to explain to your children that their parents are divorcing are :

Keep the explanations simple. Appropriate to the child's age and development.
Focus on the immediate concerns of children.
Avoid blaming any of the parents.
Avoid talking about the details. Use general statements These statements can be very useful: "dad and mom have decided that they would be happier living in different homes"; "Dad and mom have decided not to live together in the same house."
It is better to avoid saying: "Dad and mom do not love each other anymore".

If parents talk about not loving each other more, a child may fear that he, too, will lose the parents' love if he misbehaves .