How to stop pleasing people
You usually give in to other people because you simply can not stand the idea of bothering them. You put your needs aside to fulfill another person, only to realize that he is not grateful to you.
If this sounds familiar to you, then you are a classic " people pleaser ", and in all likelihood, you do not get what you want in life easily. It is time to change this focus, it will not go more towards others, but towards yourself.
Looking for fears
Think of five times you did or said something that does not faithfully reflect your wishes and needs in order to please another person. Write them.
For each of these occasions, imagine how you may have handled situations in a different way, without trying to please. What is the worst that could have happened? Write your worst fears.
Analyzing fears
Look at the fears.
- Are they realistic?
- Are they really that terrible?
You may be afraid of not liking people, of someone leaving you, of being left alone, of being hit, if you do not say the right thing.
You're stuck in a prison and it's time to leave . The people around you and you are pleased must be willing to accept that you have your own needs.
Examine your ability to set limits to others
- Where are your limits?
- What is acceptable or unacceptable to you?
- Do you tolerate the intolerable?
- Do you normalize the abnormal?
- Do you accept the unacceptable?
- Do you know what it feels like to be treated with dignity and respect?
Learn to identify and label the unacceptable treatment of others and how to set limits to their behavior.
Consider where you come from
Many complacent people were raised in environments where their needs and feelings were aside, or were not considered.
- Are the needs of others first?
- Have you learned that the only way to receive acceptance is to do what others want you to do?
If so, there is news, not everyone wants easy prey. By focusing on pleasing others, you open yourself to manipulation and abuse. You will never reach your potential as an individual if you constantly hide behind the expectations of others.
Help because you want to do it
Stop basing your self-esteem on how much you do for others. It is noble that you want to help others, but it is something that you must do because you want, not because you feel that you have to do it.
The greatest acts of kindness are those that are made by your own decision, not out of fear or guilt.
- Are you doing things for others so they do not feel bad?
- Is your act really genuine?
- Would you like other people to help you because they feel they have to?
Learn to say no
Do not make excuses, give your reasons for not wanting to do something. Start little by little to find small situations to say no, and firmly. But with kindness.
People are rarely offended by this, and those who do not are not worthy to please.
Ask what you want
If everyone goes to see a movie, and most want to see one in particular, but you prefer to see something else, say it! There is nothing wrong in expressing your opinion, and it does not have to mean that you are making a claim. Just remind people that you are a person with their own preferences.
Ultimately, you must remember that no one can read your mind.
Do something for yourself
There is always something you want to do, but fear keeps you from what others think. Something like dye your hair, change the look, go on vacation to a place, anything.
Do it for yourself and do not worry about what others think.
Commitment
While it is not good to be easy prey, it is not better to be a bully or a reckless rebel. Do not become totally selfish.
It is best to develop self-care skills, but that include healthy assertiveness skills. You can listen to others, but ultimately, you make your choice.
Whenever there is a conflict of desires, try to arrive at a solution that satisfies the wishes for both sides. There is always an exit where both parties win.
